Feliz Navidad

'Tis the season.....

I woke up to a smiling, happy day. Julian was next to me and our new toy. We named him Felipe.
Julian's parents called and we chatted about the trip to Panama planned for next Octoberish.

But not everything has been unicorns and rose petals. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I have this feeling Christmas brings about these feelings of insecurity as well as joy and love for lots of people, not just me.

For starters Julian has passed out on the couch for the past few nights and I miss him in bed, but I've adapted and taken very fondly to a human size pillow to snuggle with. It feels like he doesn't share his feelings or his ideas or his plans for life. But that's part of why I love him. It's always a surprise and never a dull moment.

Sometimes, I get scared that this baby was hurt since I went diving a couple of times in the first 4 months of this babies life, since I didn't know I was carrying. It really does feels like a huge responsibility all of a sudden, but I'm ready! Bring on the greatest adventure yet!

All these doubts in my mind, about how I'm going to provide for the baby and get ready to be a mom lead me to take it out on Julian and get him wrapped up in my somewhat overwhelming negativity.
I lead myself down a road where I'm lost and and frightened about my decisions leading up to this point in my life, when it's all fairly overly dramatic. But sometimes I wonder "Where have all my friends gone?."
Slowly but surely everyone I care about has dropped out of my life. I've been too obsessed with work and traveling the world to make roots. To make a life, a career, a clean, perfect little package that will fit into society.

Sometimes I fell that I don't have that many friends in my life, whom I love.
Unfortunately, it's not due to me being an asshole, but a wanderer and a vagabond and a workaholic for a company that had no loyalty to me. My dad always said "Consider yourself lucky if you have as many close friend as you have fingers on your one hand". Well Julian is showing me that it's just as important to maintain a close social network of support as it is to have a family.

In 2016, it's a year of transition, the year of the Monkey. Going from one extreme to the next : vagabond to motherhood. If I've learnt anything from the events I've encountered over the last couple of months it's that I need to find some more mom friends with BeautiFULL bellies and a support network in this community to help me raise a baby. It takes a village.

It was a sad day yesterday for me, needing comfort and friends that I couldn't find. Lesson learnt.

On that note, thanks for listening to my ranting and raving and somewhat depressing BLOG post. But I have everything to look forward to and I will have my very best and smallest best friend with me now and forever.

I felt it kick last night. With cold chills and hot sweats in the middle of the night. Really weird. So far everything seems to be moving along. I'm nearly 140lbs at the moment which means I'm gaining the weight. Bring on mommy fat :)

Over and out, Feliz Navidad!